they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
