I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
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