By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
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I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
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Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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