So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
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