She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
