just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
