New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
