Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
