True but thats because hes a fetus.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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