Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
