Grow some girl-balls and come out already
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
