Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
