you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
the day after is always just damage control
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
