I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
