between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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