she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
