never play flip cup with pint glasses
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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