Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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