And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately