If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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