Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
