If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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