I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Randomize
