this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
