I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
