He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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