chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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