All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
