If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
