I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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