I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
