Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
