All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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