I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
