Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
