Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
