I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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