The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
