He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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