So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
