I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
