I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
