I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize