Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
