Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
