There was a lot of him and a little penis
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
