A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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