Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
