The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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