I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.