My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet