I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
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the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
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One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard