Your face is a jimmy john
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
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Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
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You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me