Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.