every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
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