16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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