I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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