I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Randomize
