my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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