new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Michael Bay diarrhea
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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