High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
